A Loss is a Loss No Matter the Cost

For several years I have been following the amazing, interesting, and thought-provoking blog of Julie over at alittlepregnant.com, and in doing so have, on occasion, become completely paranoid about my own ability to carry a child to term.
My husband and I recently decided to toss the condoms, pay a little closer to the calendar and drink a little less alcohol – – oh, and I am popping prenatal vitamins. Nothing too interesting. I’m fairly regular – 28-30 days a cycle, and in doing so was fairly confident I would be able to get pregnant with ease. Ha. Fucking. Ha. I’m aware that MANY people spend many months or years attempting to get pregnant. I was not really thinking at the outset of this beginning that it would happen the first month. And it did not. And what hit me hardest was the realization of the pain that each and every woman goes through each month, whether it be a woman on her 1st, 10th, or 36th cycle of trying to create a child. It’s painful. It’s hard. And what it made me realize is that I want it more than anything.
Julie is a mother of two beautiful boys. She has been through numerous failed cycles and her (and a few other peoples’) share of miscarriages. She also had to pay for most of the failed cycles to be medically overseen and pay for her miscarriages, sometimes 3 or 4 times because she did not only fail at pregnancy, but she, in her words, couldn’t even miscarry right.
One of my closest friends had to make an incredibly difficult decision recently to terminate her and her husband’s pregnancy. While in this case it was her choice, it was none-the-less difficult. And, yet again, she had to pay.
My first cycle? A measly 10 dollars. Very little compared to those women talked about above, but none the less… it really, really sucked. With symptoms growing by the day, we had all but picked out nursery colors. And then, 3 days late, my cycle ended on a bloody note, with only a sunken heart to show for it. A loss is a loss, even when it is just loss of a possibility. A much wanted, hoped for, dreamed for possibility.

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~ by cumulativefeatures on November 12, 2008.

One Response to “A Loss is a Loss No Matter the Cost”

  1. This month, I was 7 days late, I was a little pregnant with a HGC of 6 (a positive is 5) and then, it ended. I got pregnant the first try with twins a year ago but they died. I talk a good game about staying positive but I know it’s hard. Don’t talk yourself into worrying about infertility – there is too much else to worry about. Good luck to you and really, stay positive. http://www.survivingbaby.wordpress.com

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