Growing Pains

There is a beauty in going somewhere new, visiting new places and learning about new culture. That said, it is painful, harsh, and reaches to the bottoms of the reserves of self-determination and will to test the very fiber of your being. Or, in my case, my marriage.

On July 11th, 2008 I arrived in my new adopted homeland of Belgium with 5 suitcases, 4 small (18″x20″) boxes, 2 cats, and a open, if slightly scared, mind. What I arrived to was a home waiting for decorating, a country full of people speaking French, and a husband who desperately wants me to feel happy and at ease here. What he currently has is a wife is on the verge of loosing her mind, mildly depressed, and stressed to the max.

I start a new job, teaching, at the end of August in a town about 45 minutes north of here. Happily, my non-french speaking self will be the Native English speaker in a bilingual classroom, and working may give me back my sense of independence and need for self-reliance, which is currently maxed out, but minimally fed. I feel lonely, trapped, and every moment spent in my house (3rd floor, no garden) seems like a moment trapped in a well painted, beautifully lit prison.

The sad part is I am fully aware of how lucky I am and how wonderful a husband I have, and that this is an opportunity to grow, learn a new language, and possibly raise our (future, unconceived) children here. That said, I am absolutely terrified I am going to fail, spectacularly. I am flat-dead terrified that I will not be able to learn the language, the rules of the road, or be able to interact with my new-found family (another post for another day) in a way that will keep my husband from running referee back and forth across the table.

So for now I sit and watch. And occasionally paint my kitchen. For fear of screwing up has led me to watch. Some adventures come with those handy little Lonely Planet guide books with tips like “Avoid uncooked greens, and always prepare the salad yourself.”. I don’t think there is a Lonely planet guide book for the adventure I’m beginning. But if anyone sees one, send it my way, will ya?

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~ by cumulativefeatures on July 24, 2008.

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